Guidelines on how to NOT Name Your Baby

So, you’re about to have a baby and haven’t yet chosen a name. This process can be relatively painless if you and your partner agree on a name quickly. Now, let’s say you’re unable to compromise and need to resort to online name generators, fictional characters or celebrities themselves. The name you choose is going to be your child’s identity for the rest of his life. That being said, you’ll want to keep the following guidelines in mind.

  1. Don’t invent names.  Names like “Joseph” and “Jane” have withstood the test of time. They consistently place in “Top Baby Name” lists. Kaydiss, however, not so much. Invention also goes for classic names you purposely misspell. Nobody will be impressed when you change Jacob into Jaykebb.
  2. “Cool” names probably aren’t. Think long and hard before picking a name like Ace, Rocky or Duke. Your child will have his name his entire life. Names you might think are sweet will become old hat as he gets older. In most cases, you’ll also want to avoid mythological names like Apollo, Thor and Hermes. Those are names better suited for a dog.
  3. Ease up on the less common letters. Letters like “q”, “z” and “x” are uncommon in the English language, and should be so when used in names. For example, Xavier (which contains both “x” AND “v”) is really only a good name in the comic books. Let’s also not forget the letter “y”. It’s not a real vowel, and can’t be easily substituted for its more common kin. Little Haryld shouldn’t grow up thinking his name is inspired by unknown Eastern European countries.
  4. Avoid unnecessary double letters. Brinlee is a real name. People use it, as well as Sandee, Kylee and countless other home-brew names that employ double ns and double e’s just because they can. If this phenomenon keeps its pace, we’ll soon be seeing Greggg, Briann and Dannnee hanging around the mall.
  5. Don’t name your kids after these things:
    • Television networks
    • Items in Fingerhut catalogs
    • Characters in this year’s blockbuster movies
    • Motor vehicles
    • Yoga positions
    • Your favorite meal
    • Any celebrity baby. There’s already a Pilot Inspektor Lee; any more would be overkill.
  6. About those apostrophes. Under no circumstances should apostrophes be used.
  7. Think of the future. It can’t be said enough; your child’s name is the name he’s going to have his entire life. Your child is the one who has to bear the burden of a highly unusual name. Of course, as a parent who decides to think outside the box for baby names, this will also affect you to some degree. Guess who’s going to have to leave work to pick up your little boy from school for fighting…fighting because he was being bullied over a name YOU gave him. Later on, your offspring will need to find a job. When times get tough, it’s hard enough to get work for those with traditional monikers, let alone unique names.




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